Peace of Mind
by Child of Loki
Summary: When Rachel destroys the one solid fact, the rock that is the center of Danny's existence, Steve can no longer keep his opinion about his friend's ex-wife to himself. (Spoilers for end of season five.)


**Author's Note: I wrote this after catching the last couple episodes of Season Five (which was a little awkward, spoiler-y being in the middle of my initial marathon/watching of the series, but I couldn't get enough so when it was on tv...). I wasn't going to post it, but I tend to ultimately just share anything that's in a complete state…**

 **SPOILERS: For the end of Season Five…**

* * *

"What's up, Danny?"

It would be logical to assume that the more irritated a physically expressive person was, the more intensive their hand gestures would become. And it was true of Danny Williams, to a point. Because right now, Steve could tell there was something seriously wrong, for his generally lively friend to be behaving so subdued.

The small detective plopped into a chair in front of Steve's desk and the SEAL leaned forward a little in anticipation while still trying to keep his face neutral. If the feisty detective was barely keeping his cool, he did not want to risk setting him off. Because admittedly Steve sometimes had difficulty following his friend's rants even after all these years. Also, Steve couldn't be sure that it wasn't he himself who had done or said something to put his partner out of sorts at this particular moment.

Danny made a face that was partway between grimace and constipation. He opened his mouth, closed it. God, if this man was having difficulty finding the words... It must be very serious indeed. Steve actually felt his stomach twist into a nervous knot.

"Danno?"

He didn't use the term of endearment often, but he was worried and for perhaps the first time since he'd met the man, Steve was trying to actually coax him into talking. His friend had a lot on his mind, what with the surprise "you have a son and he's sick" that Rachel had sprung on him, and if Steve could at all ease the man's mind, he would listen to Danny's ranting for hours, days even.

"Someone made me realize that a truth upon which I base much of my faith in the universe, and the choices in my daily life, is in fact a lie."

"Someone?" Steve asked, thinking _Rachel_.

"Whoever pointed this out to me is not relevant." When Danny's hands batted the question away, Steve couldn't help but feel a little relieved to see the wild gesticulating had returned. "What _is_ relevant is that you lied to me, Steven McGarrett."

"What?!"

Once the initial shock of the accusation had worn off, Steve couldn't help but feel insulted. And a little betrayed. That Danny Williams, his best friend in the world, his partner, his _ohana_ would think that he would _lie_ to him... Besides the odd 'I'm fine' when he was decidedly not 'fine' and other such white lies that the stocky detective saw right through, he really couldn't think of a time that he'd done anything even close to lying to the man.

"Don't get me wrong, you've always been honest with me... Except for when things like your feelings have been involved. And I know you never meant to lie to me about _this_ , but that doesn't change the fact that the promise you made me, the intrinsically understood deal we have, that runs deeper than words or blood or military honor or any of that bullshit, is in fact an _untruth_."

"What are you talking about, Danny?" Steve was becoming exasperated, almost as much as his obviously upset -now on his feet, pacing and waving his arms about to illustrate the key points in his tirade- partner apparently was.

"I'm talking about the fact that if anything ever happened to me-"

"Nothing's gonna happen to you," Steve cut him off like he did whenever his partner got anxious about situations that were particularly dangerous. Didn't the detective know that his friend would _never_ let anything _happen_ to him. At least, nothing serious. Nothing he wouldn't ultimately survive. "What's this about? Why are you worrying all of a sudden? We haven't been shot at all week-"

"Oh, great." Danny threw his hands up in the air. "Now you had to go and say that. Well, it's settled. I'm going to get killed. And worse than that- Do you know what's worse than that?"

Steve opened his mouth to reply, but the detective's tongue was much faster, as was the speech center of his brain.

"I'll tell you what's worse than getting shot and killed carrying out one of your little improvised moronically heroic plans." Danny stopped pacing, and turned to look Steve directly in the eyes, which was more than a little disconcerting to say the least, with all of their intensity and none of their normally light-heartedness. "What's worse is that I'm afraid I won't be able to follow your lead anymore, Steven. I won't have your back."

Where was this coming from? Danny Williams always had Steve McGarrett's back. It was an immutable Truth of the universe. And the seriousness he found in Danny's steel-blue eyes lending weight to the surreal notion that the detective would not always be there for his friend, it was almost a physical stab of pain to Steve's heart.

"Why, Danno? I don't understand?"

"Because my oh-so-lovely ex-wife had the wisdom to point out to me that not only am I likely to be killed in the line of duty -her excuse for every hurtful thing she's done to me, including keeping my son a secret from me- but that the one thing that makes me able to put my ass on the line every day is a complete lie."

"And what is that?" Why did every conversation with the man feel like an insane rollercoaster that circled back on itself several times and left you not knowing which way was up or down?

"You know..." Danny rubbed the back of his neck, looked away, suddenly shy. Steve gave him a confused look. The smaller man sighed, pinned his friend with his unwavering steel-blue gaze once more. "That you would look after Grace -Charlie now, too- if anything ever happens to me."

Steve swallowed hard, but the lump remained lodged in his throat so he just nodded. It was his least favorite thing to ever contemplate, losing Danny. In particular, losing Danny because of something Steve himself did, asked his friend to do. But they both knew he would look after Danny's daughter- well, both of his kids, now. And not in the typical 'army buddy, law enforcement partner' way, the check-in once in a while, make sure they had enough to eat, clothes on their backs, were relatively happy and taken care of. No. If Danny wasn't able to be there for his kids, Steve would, in every single way Danny himself would have as the amazing father he was. And as for Rachel, she wouldn't protest. Steve wouldn't let her, and it wouldn't be in her to deny the honor of her late ex-husband's best friend. Steve would be there, and he wouldn't let Danny's kids forget how much their father loved them (what Danny would want), and how good a man he was (What Steve would need to do).

"You know I would," Steve said, finally marshaling the overwhelming swell of emotion that had choked him over discussing something they'd never really discussed openly (in non-near-death situations, anyway), but both knew. Except, "Why would you think I wouldn't? Because Rachel thinks I'd just forget about you, about _them_?"

"No, because Rachel thinks, and _fuck_ me I actually agree with her on this one, that the circumstances in which I am likely to be killed would definitely involve you."

Again, Steve attempted to protest, but Danny cut him off.

"And that you would _never_ let me get killed. You, idiot that you are, would fight to your last dying breath to prevent me from getting killed. Therefore, the scenario in which I am killed in the line of duty would not end in you taking care of Grace and Charlie on my deceased behalf. Because you will likewise be equally incapable of caring for my children, due to the fact that you'll be buried in the dirt beside me."

"Beside you?" Steve's not sure why he picks up on that out of the whole ridiculous -but unfortunately rather accurate- hypothetical situation Danny's just outlined.

"I figured you'd want to annoy me even when I'm planted six feet under, babe."

Steve shrugged, decided against pointing out that he was pretty certain it was the other way around.

"But that's not the point. The point is-"

"Rachel's taken away your peace of mind," Steve said, realizing the precise nature of Danny's problem, and the fact that it wasn't entirely unfounded. He _would_ lay down his life for his friend, without a second thought. But still, to say something so harmful, to destroy one of the few certain things in such a good man's unstable life...

Danny licked his lips, nodded, but remained silent. As for Steve, he could no longer remain silent on the topic of his loyal, compassionate friend's ex-wife.

"I know you loved her, Danny. I know part of you still does love her, will always love her." Steve tried to keep his voice as even as possible, because he needed to get out what he had to say, and making the fiery detective upset was just an invitation for interruption. "But Rachel is sort of a bitch."

The blonde man's eyebrows shot up, but he surprisingly didn't make any comment, apparently seeing his friend's need to have his say.

"Don't get me wrong. She's generally a good person. A good mother, except for trying to keep your kids away from you. But she's selfish. Her excuse for hurting you time and again is that she's afraid of what it will do to _her_ if you die. But anyone could die at any time. It's part of living. You know as well as I the statistics about cops getting killed in the line of duty versus the average person dying in a random accident. It's not an excuse to abandon someone you love."

The verbose detective still remained quiet, so Steve continued, getting in more words with the man in ten minutes than he had in several months. But this was different than their petty bickering and teasing. Danny wanted to be reassured. And Steve wanted to reassure him. And so he continued to talk.

"Personally, I think she did love you, but she didn't love the life you could give her. Maybe she thought she could, but it didn't work out. And so she left you, found a rich husband to give her what she wanted, but she still loved you. Moving to Hawaii wasn't an attempt to get away from you, to keep Grace away from you. Anyone who knows you, Danny, they know you'd follow your family to the ends of the earth. That you couldn't abandon your daughter."

Steve felt his face flushing. They'd talked about many things, as partners, as friends, but the personal stuff always made the SEAL uncomfortable, especially the thoughts he was now sharing, that he'd kept to himself for years because he cared about Danny, and he could see that the man was still in love with his ex-wife, and he didn't want to hurt him or inadvertently push him away by telling him his frank opinion of the woman who had broken his heart. But this was the last straw. The thing with Charlie, not telling Danny the little boy was his until she needed something from him... Steve had literally been biting his tongue. There was actually a patch of swollen taste buds that he'd cut with his teeth on the right side of his mouth.

"I think Rachel wanted you close, just not as her husband. Eventually, she took you back, maybe even deluded herself into thinking this time she could be satisfied with the life you'd give her, that loving you would be enough. But it wasn't. Instead she selfishly chose to try to keep the life she had, maybe finally realizing she couldn't have you, too."

Having got most of his unkind opinion off his chest, Steve finally dared to look Danny in the eyes. It was hard to say whether the detective, normally so easy to read, unwilling or unable to hide his emotions, was upset or even surprised at all by his friend's speech. But Steve hadn't said the most important part yet.

"All of that is between you two, though, Danny. But what she had no right interfering in, commenting on is our _ohana_. Rachel is right. I would give up my life if I had to, to save yours. But in the unlikely scenario that we both end up dead, your kids won't be alone, Danny. You think that our friends wouldn't look out for them just like I would, just like you would? That Kono wouldn't teach them how to surf, and take Grace out to do girl stuff? That Chin wouldn't check in on them constantly, wouldn't take them hiking and camping, teach them about motorcycles and car engines? Do you think that Lou wouldn't make sure they were safe and protected? That Kamekona wouldn't make sure they always had enough to eat? That Max and Jerry wouldn't help them with their science and math homework?"

Danny was nodding but not making direct eye contact, and Steve could tell it was because the emotionally effusive man was a little choked up. So was the more reserved SEAL for that matter, thinking about a future where he and Danny might not exist, about their family and friends carrying on without them, and succeeding, thriving, because that was the best way they could honor their dearly departed.

"Because of you, your kids have an entire island looking out for them, Danny. And don't you ever forget that. Whatever Rachel says, because of you, Grace and Charlie are loved…

"Because you're loved, buddy."

They looked at each other for a moment, and then both shifted uncomfortably, the gravity of the exchange finally too much for either of them to bear, but both visibly relieved by having the discussion. Then they hastily began to discuss the game that had been on the previous night.

* * *

 **A/N: I think it's the chemistry between Claire van der Boom and Scott Caan, but Rachel always seems very sweet in person, but the things she does otherwise, the way she hurts Danny… rewatching the series, even in their sweet moments, I can't help but think what a bitch she is… And it's obvious Steve loves his friend, so I can't help but he secretly dislikes Rachel for hurting Danny over and over again.**


End file.
